this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
