dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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