All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
