its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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