you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Randomize
