if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
