It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
