you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
