fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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