I wish I only lived at night.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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