walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
