Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
