If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
