saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
