im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
