It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
