She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize