Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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