I CAN MOONWALK!
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
