She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
did i just pee glitter
Randomize
