I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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