I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
