a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
