just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
