Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
