My friends, they love my intelligence
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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