I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
look no pants
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
