I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
