I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
