I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
