yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
