Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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