I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
