i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize