just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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