So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
