SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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