Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
