I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
