I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
