when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
