One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
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