just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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