I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
