i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
