hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
