No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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