I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
