i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
