non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
