I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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