dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
