some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
