Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
