I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
