Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
