I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
nutella sex= disaster
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
