He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
