Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
