She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
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