very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize