So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Randomize
